On Overwhelm and Self Care
My kids nearly broke me this weekend. And it wasn’t their fault. I was already rattled that morning by something else. So when my husband went out to get groceries, and the 4-year-old refused to get dressed to go outside, and the 2-year-old flipped out at the mention of having to stay inside, my brain could. not. handle. it. I was so frustrated and emotional, I walked away several times to try to calm down, only to come back and plead with one of them, then the other, to somehow get them on the same page. No go.
I was so cranked up at one point, I went in the bathroom and closed the door and sat on the floor crying while one of them (I don’t even remember which one) wailed, and I just let it ride. And in the brief moments of being able to calm myself down a bit, I knew that this, this is what overwhelm feels like.
In Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart she references Jon Kabat-Zinn’s description of overwhelm as the feeling “that our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.” Oof. That hits.
Brene adds: “We all know that feeling that washes over us and leaves us completely unsure of what to do next. Even when people ask ‘How can I help?’ or ‘What needs to be done?’ - responding with organized thoughts feels impossible.” Been there.
So this weekend, I finally gave up and let the 4-year-old do whatever it was that he was doing and turned the tv on for the little one just so they would be quiet. In the wake of this I, of course, see the absurdity of the whole thing. That I could have handled it so much better and more calmly, but in the moment it felt impossible. And I’m not going to shame myself for how I reacted, because I know it is normal, but I did think to myself, ‘what can I do when shit hits the fan with my kids?’ I walked away and tried to breathe to calm myself down, and that worked some, but I really would love a reliable lifeline to bring myself back from Hulk-status blow up.
In Atlas, Brene also references Kabat-Zinn’s suggestion that “mindful play, or no-agenda, or non-doing time, is the cure for overwhelm”. But when you’re in it and you’re with your kids, especially when you’re solo parenting, how the hell do you implement these things?
Even when I’m not in the throes of overwhelm, as a parent, doing nothing feels so indulgent and - for me - often gets categorized in with attempts at self-care, not acute emotions/stress management. Then I think, ‘Self care? Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m just trying to survive!’ I don’t know about you, but I often don’t even know where to begin with self care until I am at a point where I just want a break, I want the world to stop, I want to be left alone.
Much like my blog about hobbies, self care is an area where even when I do have an opportunity to do nothing or do something to take care of myself, I wind up feeling like I am going to crawl out of my skin and/or fill the time with something that doesn’t end up being restorative or self-caring at all (like scrolling Facebook Marketplace).
Weekends like this past one are why I invited the incredible Ashley Brodeur from The Feelosophy to deliver a session on Understanding Anxiety, Depression & Your Mental Health in Motherhood at my day retreat, Moms Day Off. After our time with Ashley, you will walk away having done some actual self care and have some easy-to-implement, accessible practices to use when you’re in the midst of the chaos like I was. Yes, please.
If you’re interested in this retreat, but have more questions, I encourage you to check out the event page and explore the itinerary, or please feel free to reach out sydney@sydneyg.ca
I hope to see you in the mountains!
xo Sydney
